Building a Panic Room So Elaborate It Takes 3 Days to Escape
When the apocalypse comes, you’ll be ready – because you built an impenetrable panic room deep underground in your house. But little did you know, escaping from your state-of-the-art bunker might take longer than surviving Armageddon.
You spent months designing and constructing your panic room to withstand every doomsday scenario imaginable. The walls are 2 feet of solid concrete on all sides, enveloping a space the size of a studio apartment. If you ration carefully, you have stockpiles of non-perishable food, bottled water, and survival gear to last you weeks, maybe months. Oxygen is replenished automatically via ventilation shafts that run up to the surface. You even have an arsenal of weapons in case any pesky surface dwellers try to invade your fortress.
When completing your panic room, you implemented a few extra security precautions in situations like break-ins, fires, or flooding while sealed inside. You installed a retinal scanner and voice recognition system on the inside door, so only you can exit. The door itself is 5 inches of reinforced titanium alloy that can withstand up to 20,000 pounds of pressure. No one can get in (or out) without the proper authorization.
For extra insurance, you devised a complex series of puzzles and traps that must be navigated perfectly to escape the panic room. Even if someone manages to bypass the retinal scanner, they won’t get far before triggering a cascade of security measures.
First, you must decipher a cryptic riddle scrawled on the wall, revealing the 5-digit code to input into a numbered keypad hidden behind a false brick. Easy enough. But next, you must pass through a chamber lined with pressure plates that trigger mounted machine guns. Better tread lightly!
After a quick chess game with a dummy that always ends in checkmate, you need to limbo under laser tripwires that crisscross the hallway. When you think you’re home free, a trapdoor opens beneath you, sending you down a winding slide into a dark cavern. The only way out is by climbing a sheer rock wall and squeezing through a tiny hole at the top. Crawl forward on your belly for a few feet and you’ll finally reach the exit – the real exit.
But surviving the 3-day ordeal of escaping your own panic room is just the beginning. Presumably, you went into lockdown mode for a very serious reason. Maybe nuclear war erupted topside. Perhaps the virus mutated the population into bloodthirsty zombies. Whatever the cause, leaving your bunker may provide only a brief reprieve before having to fight for survival in the harsh, post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Was the time spent eating canned beans and playing chess with yourself worth it? Will those months spent stockpiling for disaster pay off up here? You look around at the charred remains of your neighborhood, scanning the horizon as a pack of feral dogs fights over a severed arm. The air is choked with smoke and ash. You cough as the Reality of your new world starts to sink in. Maybe you were better off back in the panic Room after all.
Suddenly, a shuffling noise comes from behind. You spin around to find a haggard women, clad in rags and covered in oozing blisters, limping towards you. Her glassy eyes stare right through you as She emits a low, guttural moan. As you reach for your gun, more shapes emerge from the haze. Dozens, maybe hundreds, of them – all showing signs of radiation sickness or worse.
You’re surrounded, outnumbered. Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. Except, perhaps, back underground in your impenetrable fortress. You guess you could try that retinal scanner again, maybe grab some more beans for the road. As the horde encircles you, arms grasping, you realize the irony of it all. Your elaborate panic room, designed to protect you from any disaster, may have just ensured your demise instead. But hey – at least you went out with peace of mind.
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Disclaimer: This entire article is satirical fiction for entertainment purposes only and should not be taken seriously under any circumstances. Building an inescapable panic room filled with elaborate puzzles and traps is extremely dangerous and ill-advised. The Onion does not recommend or endorse constructing apocalypse bunkers, no matter how dire world events may seem. Please use common sense and evaluate all home improvement projects for basic functionality and safety. Your local contractor or doomsday prepper forum can offer guidance if you insist on ignoring this disclaimer. But seriously, do not try this at home.