Here at Crazy Carl’s Discount Moats, we specialize in constructing custom aquatic security systems to keep unwanted people away from your property. Don’t settle for a boring old electric fence or mundane security cameras. With one of our deluxe gator moats, you’ll be the envy of all your fellow preppers!
Now, installing a moat can seem like a daunting task, but our team of unqualified contractors will dig those trenches in no time, working from diagrams our intern sketched on a napkin. Our state-of-the-art pumps (bought at a yard sale) will keep your moat filled with water, while our Craigslist aquarium purchases will stock it with the finest selection of irritated reptiles available!
With a Carl’s gator moat, you’ll finally have peace of mind knowing that anyone who dares trespass on your property will meet a demise worthy of a Syfy original movie. Our patented “Gator Grouch Serum” ensures your scaly soldiers are always hungry and filled with rage, ready to take a bite out of any lookie-loos.
So don’t wait – prepare your bunkers and bomb shelters today! At Crazy Carl’s, we have all your moat needs covered:
Moat width and depth consulting – How big and deep should your moat be? Our unqualified staff will guess for you!
Custom bridge design – Will you go for the classic drawbridge or the more secure crocodile-infested pontoon crossing? The choice is yours!
Complimentary “Beware of Gators” signs – Let intruders know just what they’re in for if they proceed any further!
Gator veterinary services – Keep your moat monsters healthy with checkups from our unlicensed pet guru, Dr. Dave!
Gator food delivery – Hungry gators are angry gators! We’ll ship live critters right to your door to keep your moat well-stocked.
Gator name consulting – Not sure what to call your new scaly security squad? Our team of creative weirdos will suggest colorful names like Chompy, Jaws, and Death Roll!
Moat maintenance – We’ll come by monthly to clean up any “remains” and replace any gators that just didn’t have the killer instinct you expect.
So don’t delay! Protect your property with the greatest barrier known to man – a moat full of hungry reptiles! At Crazy Carl’s Discount Moats, we don’t think home security should be boring. Call or visit our website today to get a free quote on a custom gator moat that will have all your friends jealous!
Disclaimer: This piece is satirical in nature and not intended as serious advice or commentary. Installing a live alligator moat raises serious ethical and legal concerns. Please consult your local laws before digging trenches or filling them with apex predators.